Touchdown Tommy

Compiled by Steve Mindykowski.

A balloon that Tommy was playing gets wedged under the coffee table. Tommy tries to grab it, but before he got to the balloon, he bumps his head on the table's edge. Tommy falls down and cries. Didi walks in.

Didi: What happened? What happened?

Stu: Huh? Gee, I don't know, honey -- he was just fine a minute ago.

Didi: Oh, no! Stu, look at that gigantic bruise!

We look at Tommy's bruise. Then he looks up, smiling.

Stu: Didi, he probably just bumped his head trying to get that balloon.

Didi: Stu, are you blaming Tommy's concussion on the balloon?

Stu: Concussion?

Stu looks underneath the table at the balloon. When he got up, he bumps his head on the table.

Didi: It's not the balloon's fault, Stu. Oh, how can Betty and I trust you dads with the babies during the game this afternoon? You won't watch them at all.

Stu: Of course we will!

Didi: Don't be silly. After kickoff all you boys will be thinking about is guzzling soda and gobbling pork rinds.

Stu: (giving referee's  "time out" signal) Whoa, time out, Didi! I haven't had pork rinds in years.

Didi: Maybe I should just stay home. This place is an accident waiting to happen.

Stu: Didi, he won't hurt himself again. I promise.

Didi: Well... maybe you're right.

Tommy walks to the table and once again bumps his head. We zoom into Didi's mouth as she screams.

Cut to the basement, where Stu is working on an invention. Grandpa watches him.

Grandpa: You're gonna what?

Stu: I'm gonna invent something that'll keep Tommy from hurting himself, Pop.

Grandpa: You can't keep a baby from hurtin' hisself! Why, when I was a sprat, I used to crawl through Ma's cactus garden, huntin' for horny toads.

Stu: (skeptical) Horny toads, Pop?

Grandpa: That's what I said! And all I had on was my birthday suit! What're you gonna do, put Tommy in a bubble?

(We see a sketch of Tommy in a bubble.)

Stu: Well, if I don't think of something, we dads are gonna have to take turns looking after the kids. That means watching the game in shifts.

Grandpa: (surprised) Shifts? Well, let's get busy, then!

Tommy empties the popcorn out of the bowl and places the empty bowl on his head. Stu looks.

Stu: (amazed) Pop! That's it! Look! Protective head gear!

Grandpa: Huh?

Stu picks up the phone and calls Drew. We cut to Drew's house, where we see Angelica making faces and scaring her kitty, Fluffy. Drew's phone rings; he picks up the receiver.

Drew: Drew.

Stu: Drew? Stu.

Drew: Stu?

Stu: Right, Drew. Listen, I think I've solved this baby sitting thing. Get a hold of all the other dads and tell'em the game is still on. And Drew?

Drew: Yeah, Stu?

Stu: This is top secret.

We cut back to the living room.

Stu: Oh Didi! We've got something to show you!

Didi: What's going on?

Stu: Didi, you and Betty may go to the mall WITHOUT FEAR.

Didi: We can?

Stu: That's right. Because Tommy is now virtually UNBRUISABLE.

Didi: He is?

Stu: Yeah! Here, I'll show you.

Didi: What on earth is it, Stu?

Stu picks up Tommy. On his head, Tommy is wearing headgear composed of a toy turtle, 3 rolls of toilet paper and some string.

Stu: Presenting the Bonkomatic Baby Bumper.

Didi: The bonka-whosit baby what?

Stu: The Bonkomatic Baby Bumper offers complete cranial suspension, protection from the 1001 hazards of the average American hosuehold, the absolute freedom of movement, and best of all, a worry-free day of shopping for mom.

Didi: Oh, I don't know, Stu. Are you sure it will work?

Tommy walks at the table and bangs his head again. This time, he is uninjured, as the head gear protected him.

Stu: Deed, it's guaranteed.

Didi: Well... all right.

We cut to the exterior of the front door from the ground view. The door opens. We see Didi's legs and feet as she walks out the door.

Didi: Betty and I will be back in a few hours. Bye-bye!

Cut back to living room. Grandpa & Stu give high fives.

Grandpa & Stu: Yes!

Cut to playpen Tommy is wearing his Bonkomatic.

Phil: What's it for, anyway?

Lil: Yeah, what's it for?

Tommy: I think it's to keep my fact from gettin' out.

Cut to front door. Drew knocks.

Grandpa: Halt! Who goes there?

Drew: Hi, Pop.

Grandpa: What's the password?

Drew holds up a bag of pork rinds.

Drew: Pork rinds?

Grandpa: Bingo!

Drew and the other guys enter. Chazz pulls in a giant TV set with large speakers. Grandpa and Stu are wearing Houston Oilers (1991) shirts, while Drew and Howard wear Dallas Cowboys shirts. Chazz was wearing a green sweatshirt with a picture of a yellow chess knight on front.

Stu: Hey, Charles. Great! You brought the big-screen TV! Oooh! In Surround-A-Thon stereo!

Chazz: I dunno, Stu... maybe this football game isn't such a good idea. Wouldn't you rather watch the chess play-offs on The Culture Channel?

Stu: Gee, I don't know. Whadda you think, guys?

The other guys boo Chazz and give him thumbs down.

Cut back to playpen. Since the last time, Chuckie and Angelica were added. Tommy was still wearing the Bonkomatic.

Angelica: What's that stupid thing you got on your head?

The guys walk to the playpen. Stu picks up Tommy.

Stu: Guys, now that you're here, I can show everyone. Here it is, the answer to all our parenting problems -- the Bonkomatic Baby Bumper. Guys, we're talking complete cranial protection here. Baby gets to play, dad gets to go about his business and voila! No more worried moms. And best of all, each kid gets one!

Grandpa, Drew & Howard: Yes!

The guys hoot and walk back to the TV and sit down. The Ultra Bowl titles and music flash on the screen. Commentators Chick Hearn (the genuine article) and Hank Duff appear on screen, on the field.

Chick: Hello again everybody, and welcome to our coverage of football's big event -- The Ultra Bowl. I'm Chick Hearn, coming to you live from the Lone Star State with my good friend, Hank Duff.

Hank: Hi folks.

Chick: Hank, how's it feel to be back on your home turf?

Hank taps on ground with his foot.

Hank: Feels great, Chick.

Cut to rear view of couch as the guys cheer. Keep in mind that this is 1991, when Houston still had an NFL football team. In 1997, the Oilers moved to Nashville to become the Tennessee Oilers and in 1999, they became the Tennessee Titans.

Stu & Grandpa: Come on, Houston!

Drew & Howard: Go get'em Dallas!

Cut to front of couch; Chazz interrupts with his unnecessary knowledge.

Chazz: Actually, both teams have their strong points...

The guys nod in disgust at Chazz.

Meanwhile, we cut back to the playpen; all the Rugrats were wearing Bonkomatics -- Phil & Lil each have bowls on their head with a teddy bear on top and a toilet paper roll under their chin; Chuckie  was wearing a bucket with some sponges inside; Angelica was wearing a diaper on her head, held on with string and toilet paper.

Tommy: Chuckie, you in there?

Chuckie: I Think so.

Angelica: I can't believe your dad made me wear this dumb baby helmet.

Tommy: They're not dumb, Angelica; they're really neat.

Phil & Lil: Yeah!

Phil: And look at this!

Phil & Lil stand on their heads.

Chuckie: Wow!

Tommy:Come on Chuckie; let's do it!

Tommy & Chuckie stand on their heads.

Angelica: I learned this in ballet class!

Angelica follows suit, but falls over dizzy.

Cut back to guys.

Grandpa: Yep! Back at Minnesota State, they called me The Galloping... uh... The Galloping...

Drew: ...Geezer?

Grandpa: Very funny! I was the Galloping -- hey, we out of pork rinds already?

Stu: There's more in the kitchen, Pop. Hey, would'ya give the kids their bottles while you're up? (to the guys) Galloping Geezer!

The guys laugh.

All the Rugrats are on their heads, but as Grandpa enters the area, they fall down. He has milk bottles for them.

Grandpa: Okay, sprouts! Milk break! (hands milk bottles to each Rugrat) Here ya go, Phil; and here's one for you Lil; and this one's for ol' Chuickie! And here's one for my little princess!

Angelica: Bottles are for babies, Grandpa. I'm not a baby!

Grandpa: I plum forgot! (gives a bottle of chocolate milk to Tommy) I fixed up something special for you, scout!

Grandpa leaves. Angelica watch Tommy drink is chocolate milk, and teases him.

Angelica: Drinky little baba, baby-boo?

A drop of chocolate milk falls to the ground; Spike, who's with the Rugrats in the playpen, licks it up.

Tommy: Wow! It's chocolate milk!

Phil & Lil: Chocolate milk!

Angelica: Chocolate milk! Gimme that bottle!

Tommy: No! It's mine!

Angelica: I said give it!

Tommy: Uh-uh!

Tommy & Angelica fight over the bottle in a "tug-of-war" fashion.

Angelica: Gimme that chocolate milk! Gimme that bottle!

Tommy and Angelica continue to struggle while we hear Chick and Hank do Ultra Bowl commentary. The Rugrats' actions coincide with the commentary.

Chick: It's Sebastini with the draw play.

Hank: Oooh, nowhere to go, Chick.

Chick: But he squirts through to pick up seven yards before he's finally dragged down from behind.

Hank: Nice second effort there, Chick.

Chick: Thanks, Hank. Dallas falls second and three at their own 18 yard line.

Tommy squirts Angelica and falls over; Tommy walks over her head.

Back at the couch, the guys are paying more attention to the game, rather than to the Rugrats.

Grandpa: Second and who?

Other guys: Three!

Grandpa: Turn it up, Stu; my ear's on the fritz.

Cut back to Rugrats.

Chick: Here's the snap. Dawkin's dropping back to throw but the pocket collapses around him. He's trapped in the back field. Big Bubba Nogursky breaks through.

Hank: Oh, Bubba. Looks like a sack for sure, Chick.

Chick: But wait! Kincaid is wide open at the line of scrimmage! Dawkins gets the ball off just as Bubba crashes him to the ground!

While Angelica tackles Tommy, Chuckie catches the bottle. While they toss the bottle around, chocolate milk dribbles out of it.

Cut to guys watching game on TV.

Drew: Wow! What a shovel pass.

Stu: Sheer luck.

Cut back to Rugrats.

Chick: Here comes a draw play up the middle, but Nogursky is there and he grabs Kincaid around the knees. Whoa, a fumble! Loose ball!

Angelica tackles Chuckie; bottle rolls around.

Hank: Boy, what's going on down there, Chick? This guy moves like nobody in the league!

Chick: But wait! DiAngelo dives on it! What a break for Dallas!

Hank: He came out of nowhere, Chick.

Phil sees bottle, and dives on it; he sucks the bottle.

Chick: And believe me, he doesn't wanna give up that ball. Dallas ball, first and 10 and the 11-yard line. What? The Statue of Liberty play! How long's it been since we've seen that one?

Cut to Grandpa.

Grandpa: Not since Minnesota state, young fella!

Cut back to Rugrats.

Tommy: Hey Lil! Over here!

Chuckie:  Get it, Tommy!

Chick: Look at this, hank. They're playing backyard football with this explosive Houston team! Not a prudent thing to do here in the House of Pain. Uh-oh, Dawkins is tripped up by his own man, the line coming at him.

After the Rugrats pass the bottle around, Phil tosses the bottle to Lil, who's riding on Spike's back. Lil tosses it to Chuckie, which bounces off his Bonkomatic and into the hands of Tommy. Angelica runs towards Tommy, but Lil trips her.

Chick: Dawkins under severe pressure; he hesitates, he pump fakes the ball and he looks to Kincaid. He throws the bomb. It's intercepted, Hank!

Angelica rushes toward Tommy. He fakes a throw and tosses bottle to Chuckie, only to have Angelica catch the bottle. The nipple comes off, causing the milk to splatter everywhere.

Hank: Wow! Norgursky made an all-pro move on this one, Chick. Let's take another look.

We see the same above action again, in slow motion.

Hank: Mud everywhere, Chick.

Back to regular motion; Angelica sucks on bottle.

Chick: What a mess, Hank. We'll be back with more Ultra Bowl coverage after these important messages.

Ultra Bowl theme starts.

Angelica: It's empty!

Angelica cries loud and long.

Didi: Angelica Pickles!  What in the world is going on here?

Angelica: Huh?

The guys look behing couch to find Didi and Betty, and to find the living room in a big mess.

Guys: Huh? Oh oh.

Didi: (angrily) What are the kids covered with, and what are those horrible stains all over my living room?

Betty: I don't know, Deed; looks like chocolate milk.

Didi: Chocolate milk?

Grandpa laughs nervously.

Didi: Who was watching her when this happened?

Chazz: I told you we should have watched the chess tournament.

The Rugrats sit innocently in the middle of the floor covered with chocolate milk Spike walks to Angelica and licks her.

Angelica: Eww! Yuck! Ick! Get'im off of me!

Other Rugrats: Allright!

Rugrats give each other high fives and fall on the floor.

The End

Compilation is based on the 1997 Tempo Australia Cards, and is ©1999 Steve Mindykowski.

Quotes ©1991 Viacom.

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