Chicken Pops

Contributed and compiled by Kathleen Kremer.

(Phil and Lil in playpen, ripping up a pillow; Didi  (Tommy's mom) puts Tommy into the playpen)

Didi: There you go, my little darling. You play with Phil and Lil, and pretty soon we'll all go to Charlotte's company picnic! Won't that be fun? (they all continue to rip up the pillow)

(cut to Betty (mom of Phil and Lil) giving Charlotte some eggs in the kitchen)

Betty: Here you go Char. These ought to be enough for the egg toss.

Charlotte: Oh, every year I say never again and then somehow I wind up having another company picnic. Why do I do this to myself?!

(Didi enters the room)

Didi: Chaz and Chuckie are here. Now as soon as Lucy and Susie show up, I think we're ready to go.

Charles: (entering; puts Chuckie in a high chair) Sorry we're late folks. Chuckie's got some kind of rash or something. (Chuckie scratches himself) Poor little guy's exhausted. He was up half the night scratching.

Tommy: Wow, Chuckie sure is itching a lot.

Lil: Let's go see.

Phil: Yeah.

(Tommy pulls a screwdriver from his diaper and opens up the playpen)

Didi: All right, all right. Let's not panic. I'm sure the answer is right here in Lipschitz. Now let's see... itching, itching (scanning a book) ah, here it is! "Itching, see rashes".

Tommy: Hey, Chuckie! I like your spots.

Chuckie: I don't. They're real itchy. (gets down from high chair; scratching)

Lil: Yeah, you got them on your hands and on your arms and on your neck

Chuckie: That's not the only place I got 'em. (still scratching)

Tommy: Where else are they Chuckie?

Chuckie: Everywhere.

Phil: Wow, can I see?

Chuckie: No, but you can scratch my back.

(Phil, Lil, and Tommy scratch Chuckie's back; Chuckie sighs in relief)

Didi: Ah, here it is. Rashes. "Rashes. See hives".

Grandpa: (entering and going to the fridge) Hey, the little runt's got himself a case of the chicken pox. What do you know.

Didi, Charlotte, Betty, Charles: Chicken pox?!

Didi: Oh my goodness! How did the babies get in here?

Betty: Aw, it's just as well Deed. Now they can all get it at once and be done with it.

Didi: Oh, I don't know Betty. Exposing our babies to chicken pox? I'm going to call Dr. Lipschitz first. Come here Tommy. (picks Tommy up and walks away)

Betty: Oh, all right Deed. But when I was little, my ma exposed us to everything. (picks up Phil and Lil and walks away)

Charles: Hey, what about my poor Chuckie? (grabs Chuckie)

Charlotte: Chicken pox? Sounds like the perfect excuse to skip the company picnic. (dials on portable phone)

(cut to Charles and Chuckie in the living room; Charles is putting calamine lotion on Chuckie)

Charles: All right Chuckie. Just hold still. I know little guy, chicken pox aren't any fun. But this will make you better. That's it. Now try to sleep. Oh, I'm sorry Chuckie. I hate to do this, but I've got to keep you from scratching. (puts Chuckie in playpen with oven mitts on his hands; Chuckie curls up and goes to sleep)

(cut to Angelica combing her doll Cynthia's hair in the backyard and humming)

Didi: (with Betty, putting Tommy, Phil, and Lil in the sandbox) Hey kids, you play out here. Chuckie has to stay inside because he has the chicken pox.

Betty: I'm tellin' ya Deed. We had a regular Disease Of The Week.... (walking back with Didi to the house)

Lil: What is a "chicken pops"?

Phil: Maybe it's a game.

Lil: Or maybe it's a cereal.

Tommy: Maybe. By why can't Chuckie bring his "chicken pops" outside?

Angelica: (walks over) Once again, you babies have "prove" that you don't know anything. Chicken pops are what turns little kids into chickens. (the others gasp) That's why Chuckie has to stay inside. The grownups are afraid that when Chuckie turns into a chicken, he'll get eaten by a cat.

Tommy: You're making that up Angelica!

Angelica: Fine, don't believe me. But don't come crying to me when Chuckie's a chickie.

Tommy: Come on guys. Let's go see for ourselves.

(the kids walk to the sliding glass door and peer inside as Chuckie sleeps; Chuckie wakes up and steps on a pillow; the feathers that come out stick to his calamine lotion)

Tommy, Phil, and Lil: Wow.

Angelica: (to self) Oh, this is too good to be true. (to others) Doesn't happen to many kids, but when it does, it's so sad!

Phil: Maybe Chuckie really is turning into a chicken.

Tommy: Just because Chuckie "growed" wings and he's flapping around doesn't mean he's turning into a chicken.

Lil: Yeah, he could be turning into a turkey.

Angelica: Maybe next time I tell you someone's turning into a chicken, you'll believe me.

Tommy: Come on you guys! We've got to help Chuckie.

(cut to grownups in the kitchen; Charlotte is on the portable phone)

Charlotte: Jonathan, you know I want to be there but I'm needed here. Just go ahead and start bobbing for apples without us.

(Tommy, Phil, and Lil climb through dog door into the kitchen; Didi calls from the regular phone; a prerecorded message says "Dr. Lipschitz baby talk hotline"; babies crawl into the kitchen and then into the living room where Chuckie is still in his playpen)

Tommy: Now guys. I know Chuckie, I play with Chuckie. And if Chuckie is turning into a chicken, he's going to be really scared. So whatever you do, don't say anything to upset him.

Phil and Lil: Right! (they approach Chuckie)

Chuckie: Hi guys.

Phil: Hi Cluckey. I mean, Chuckie.

Tommy: Um, what's new Chuckie.

Chuckie: Well, I'm all itchy, and I got these things on my arms.

Phil: You mean wings?

Chuckie: Huh?

Lil: We brought you a snack (hands him some bird seed; he eats it)

Chuckie: Oh, that's crunchy. What is that?

Tommy: Bird food Chuckie. Do you like it?

Chuckie: Bird food. Bleah! (spits out the birdfood) Hey, what's going on you guys. First you call me Cluckey and then you say I got wings and then you bring me bird food to eat.

Phil: Uh oh! He doesn't know.

Chuckie: Hhhhuh! Maybe I don't want to know.

Tommy: Chuckie, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always play with you and even share my toys.

Chuckie: Now I know I don't want to know.

Tommy: Try to be brave Chuckie. Maybe you didn't notice, but you're covered in feathers and you've got wings.

Lil: And you just ate bird food out of my hand.

Phil: And you're turning into a chicken.

Chuckie: A chicken? Oh, great. That's just great. It all makes sense now. After a lifetime of acting like a chicken, I'm finally turn into one.

Tommy: Don't say that Chuckie. You're one of the bravest kids I know.

Phil and Lil: He is?

Tommy: Sure he is. Remember the time when, um, and um, um, there was another time that, um, uh...

Chuckie: See Tommy. You can't even think of even one time when I was brave.

Tommy: Well, I uh...

Phil: Well, I can! No wait, that was Reptar.

Chuckie: All right, that's it! If I'm turning into a chicken, then from now on I'm gonna be a brave chicken, not a "chicken" chicken.

(Tommy opens up the playpen with the screwdriver he keeps in his diaper)

Tommy: Atta boy Chuckie! To the backyard!

Chuckie: That's barnyard to us chickens. Bwack! (cut to backyard; Tommy pulls a worm from the ground)

Tommy: Okay, Chuckie. If you're gonna be a chicken, the first thing you have to do is learn how to eat worms. (Chuckie swats it away; Phil and Lil then fight over it)

Phil: Mine!

Lil: Mine! (continue to fight)

Chuckie: I don't know Tommy. I don't think I'm ready for real worms just yet.

(the worn goes flying and a bird gets it; Chuckie tries to fly)

Tommy: Flap harder Chuckie! Flap harder! (Chuckie falls into the sandbox when he tries to fly)

Tommy: Not bad for a first try.

(cut to parents in the kitchen)

Charlotte: (still on the portable phone) Make sure the translator explains everything to Mr. Yamaguchi. I don't want him sticking his head in the cole slaw like he did last year.

(cut to kids in backyard)

Tommy: Easy, Chuckie. A little bit at a time. Step, flap, cluck. Step, flap, cluck. That's it.

Chuckie: Step, flap, bwack! Step, flap, bwack! Hey, I think I'm starting to get it! (gobbles like a turkey)

(Phil and Lil notice chicken pox on them now and start itching)

Lil: Hey you guys! I'm getting itchy!

Phil: Yeah, me too.

Tommy: Cut it out you guys! You're making me itch!

Chuckie: Hey, that's how it started with me. First I got all itchy, and then I started getting little red bumps. Then the next thing I knew, I was turning into a chicken. (makes chicken noises) Hey, you guys are all turning into chickens too. Isn't it great!

Phil, Lil, and Tommy: Waaaahhhh! (crying) "Chicken pops"!

Chuckie: Hey, why are you crying? Now we can all be chickens together. (makes chicken noises)

(kids continue to cry)

Lil: I don't wanna be a chicken.

Chuckie: Don't worry Lil. Being a chicken's not so bad. Just look at me. (makes chicken noises; kids continue to cry)

Angelica: (enters) Now my little chickadees. I hear we're having barbecue at the picnic. I bet you babies, I, I mean chickens, will be delicious.

(Phil, Lil, and Tommy start crying again)

Chuckie: Stop it Angelica. The grownups would never eat us, even if we are chickens. (makes chicken noises) So what if we're chickens? We'll all gonna chickens together, and we'll build nests and lay eggs and eat yucky bird food, and do all that other things that chickens do. Because we're chickens and we're proud! (makes chicken noises and scares Angelica away)

Angelica: (running away) Oh no! You chickens are crazy!

Tommy: Boy Chuckie! You're the bravest chicken I ever sawed.

Chuckie: I am?

Phil: Yeah, you "was" even braver than the time you, no wait! That was Reptar too.

(cut to Charlotte in the kitchen, still on portable phone; Jonathan's voice says "Please, please, please")

Charlotte: Oh, all right. I'm on my way. Angelica, get in the car. We're going to the picnic.

(Lucy and Susie enter)

Lucy: Hi everyone. Sorry we're late. I was just at the hospital, finishing up a few heart-lung transplants.

Didi: (gets off phone with Lipschitz hotline) Oh, Lucy. Thank goodness you're here.

Charles: Oh, Dr. Carmichael. Can you look at Chuckie? He's got the chicken pox.

Lucy: Oh sure. It's going around. Half the kids at Susie's daycare have it. So, where's the patient?

Charles: He's right in here.

(all the parents walk to the living room, and notice Chuckie missing from the playpen and gasp; they look out the window at the kids playing in the backyard)

Didi: Oh no! How did Chuckie get out there?

Lucy: I wouldn't worry about it. They're better off getting it while they're young. It's a lot worse in adults, especially for men.

(Stu and Grandpa walk through the kitchen)

Stu: Hey Pop. I had the chicken pox already, didn't I?

Grandpa: Of course you did. (Stu sighs in relief) Or maybe that was Drew.

Stu: Drew?! Pop! Wait!

(cut to kids outside; Susie apparently has just explained to them what chicken pox are)

Tommy: So we're not turning into chickens? (makes a chicken noise) Not even a little?

Susie: No, silly! Chicken pox is just something that makes you itchy for a few days.

Phil: Oh... hey Lil! We're not turning into chickens

(Lil dances in joy)

Chuckie: You know what, Tommy? I'm kinda sorry we're not turning into chickens.

Tommy: How come Chuckie?

Chuckie: 'Cause I was braver as a chicken then I ever was as a kid!

Tommy: That's okay Chuckie! I'll always think of you as a chicken.

Chuckie: Thanks Tommy!

(cut to Angelica in car with Mom; combing doll Cynthia's hair; eggs for the picnic are next to her)

Angelica: Stupid babies. They'll believe anything.

(the car hits a bump, an egg falls onto her baby seat and we see that she too now has the chicken pox)

Angelica: (picking up the egg) Hey, what's this? (screams) I'm turning into a chicken!

Compilation (c) 1998 Kathleen Kremer.
Quotes (c) 1997 Viacom.

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